Taking Stock...

Every once in a while, you have to take stock of your life. Figure out what’s important to you... What’s not important to you... Why you make certain decisions... What might be holding you back from doing something you really want to do... What motivates you to be a better image of yourself... I like to think of these moments as a “checking in” with yourself to see how things are going. I recently arrived at one of those moments... I can’t pinpoint when it began, and I certainly have no clue when I will feel it’s complete. But I know I am in it right now.

Recently, the Broadway show IF/THEN asked the question we so often ask ourselves: What if? What if we had chosen differently? There are so many points in my life when I ask myself these sorts of “what if” questions. What if I hadn’t gone to Ithaca College? What if I hadn’t been scared to commit to being a musical theater major? What if I had stayed with my $18,000/year job in arts development and NOT moved up to a $22,000/year job in Broadway theater? What if I hadn’t agreed to go with my friend, Scott, to a dinner theater 23 years ago? What if we'd eloped instead of having a big wedding? What if we hadn’t waited so long to have a baby? What if we’d never moved to New Jersey? What if I had chosen to go back to work after she was born? So many “what ifs” swirling around in my head and making me dizzy.

To be clear, I don’t have any interest in unraveling or undoing any of the decisions I’ve made in my life. Nor do I have any reason to question or regret those decisions. I have always been told that we make the best decisions we can at the time, with the information we have at the time. And I truly do believe that. But sometimes, you just have to take stock. Of what you have... Of what you want... Of who you are... Of what makes you tick... Of where you want to go... Check in with yourself and ask how you are. It’s important to be honest and open, though... If you don’t like the answers you find, then do something about it. Embrace those hazy, fading memories and strive to make them come alive again. One of the greatest joys of life is our ever-evolving need to change. Make a change... And choose to grow...

Getting back into the swing...

A friend recently encouraged me not to be shy with my writings... So, I have decided to embrace the moment and reactivate my incredibly ancient blog. It's only been about 3 years since I last posted here... I can't promise I'll be all that consistent with my postings, but I do have a lot to say. (!) So, stay tuned.

In cleaning up my Google/Blogger/YouTube accounts, I reminded myself that I had created this blog. In theory, it was to serve as a "journal" of sorts... As a place for me to write down my thoughts... About anything I wanted... I have so many thoughts on so many topics, and yet, somehow this never "took off" for me. I'm not sure why. Do I need or want to have a blog? Does it feel like a burden or an opportunity? I can't answer those questions yet, but I'm going to give it a whirl and see what comes out of it.

Mommy's Day on the Couch

Guess what? I have strep throat! A full-fledged adult, and I have a classic Summer-Camper's Delight!

I hadn't been feeling that great for the past couple of days, but I just chalked it up as my body recovering from planning/running our big Monte Carlo Night event last weekend. But, when I woke up this morning and couldn't swallow at all, I decided to go see the friendly nurse at the CVS Minute Clinic. Turns out, I have strep. Along with a 101.5 fever. Lovely... So instead of seeing old friends today, and going to work at the Purim Carnival tomorrow, and having dinner with my nursery-school-mom-friends tomorrow night, I have a weekend-long date with my couch.

I can't remember if I ever had strep as a kid... I was generally healthy, and the most "exciting" things I ever got were a series of ear infections in elementary school and a lousy case of scabies in college. But, I never had bronchitis as a kid, or pneumonia, or mono, or any other typically kid-age sickness.

Now seems to be my chance to live out those childhood fantasies of staying home from school and spending the entire day on the couch. Of course, when you're a mom, this becomes a lot less possible... At least today, my husband and munchkin are out gallivanting with old friends -- unfortunately, friends that I really wanted to see today!

It's not the ideal way to spend a beautiful Saturday, but I guess I can say I am now "living the cliche!" Reclining on the couch, propped up with 3 pillows... Computer, land-line phone, cell phone and TV remote all within arm's reach... A can of chicken noodle soup waiting on the kitchen counter to be warmed up for lunch... Oh wait... That's right -- I can't swallow! OK, antibiotics, go to work! This sitting-and-doing-nothing thing is starting to make me go a little stir crazy!

Kindergarten!

This week was a momentous week for me... I registered my daughter for Kindergarten! Amazing. It deosn't feel that long ago that I signed her up for her first Gymboree class. Nor does it feel that long ago that she went to her first 2-year-old nursery school class. And now, look at us!

Am I really old enough to have a child going to kindergarten? Have I really been a Mommy for that long? Wow...

The 1st Dance Recital

Today was my four-and-a-half-year-old daughter's very first dance recital! Six little munchkins in their light purple leotards and frilly, white tutus. Six pairs of black tap shoes and six pairs of pink ballet shoes. And about 30 bright smiling faces watching the show.

I can honestly say, I don't think I have ever been so proud! My daughter did all of the steps. And she left space for the other girls. And she curtsied at the right time. And she smiled. Not as big as I was smiling, though. Watching her brought back such wonderful memories of my own dancing years with Mrs. Hossman, Mrs. Andreaux, Roberta, Mary, and a whole host of other dance teachers. I can only hope my daughter enjoys it half as much as I did.

Here's to many more years of tutus and tap shoes!

Ticked Off...

I am always amazed at how easily I can get ticked off. I think of myself as a normally level-headed individual with a great deal of common sense and rational thinking. I pride myself on my ability to keep an open mind (and ear) when someone has an opposing point of view. I try to make sure I entertain all possibilities and not close my eyes to something I hadn't previously thought of. And I do whatever I can to remind myself to give other people the benefit of the doubt.

But, sometimes there are those insidious moments when it is all I can do not to fly off the handle and explode. Sometimes it is at the driver in front of me who is going 30 mph in a 45 mph zone, ultimately making me late to my dentist appointment. Sometimes it is at the committee of volunteers helping me at an event, but who are really just interested in bossing people around. Sometimes it is at the drugstore cashier who doesn't seem to understand why I gave her $20.01 when the total charge is $7.26.

Thesedays, it is often at my four-and-a-half-year-old daughter who has suddenly decided that she is old enough to do everything for and by herself. And if she can't, she whines and argues with me. This is the hardest situation for me to hold it together. How do I rationally explain why she can't wash her hair in the shower on her own yet? Or why she can't climb on a chair with an uneven leg to reach the milk on the top shelf of the side-by-side refrigerator? Or why it's not a great idea to try on 16 different shirts less than 10 minutes before we have to leave for school? Or why we need to go home at 5 pm after being out of the house since 8:55 in the morning?

Now, don't get me wrong -- she is usually a really good kid. She says "please" and "thank you" on a more-often-than-not basis. She gets into her PJ's and brushes her teeth in a somewhat reasonable amount of time at night. And she is pretty easily bribe-able when it comes to eating green vegetables at dinner. So what is it that ticks me off? Maybe it's the fourteen-year-old attitude that comes out of her four-year-old mouth every so often. Or maybe it's the way she tries to play me against Daddy. Or maybe it's just the fact that she is growing up and I don't feel like I have a handle on it yet.

No matter why it happens, I can always feel it coming on. It's as if my brain involuntarily signals my eyebrows to furrow, my blood pressure to go up, and my voice to get louder. I try to squash the feeling before it comes out, but every so often, I miss the window of opportunity. Moments later, after I have exploded and am now huffing my way back down the hall, I hear my daughter behind me say, "Mommy, can we still read a book tonight?" A book? Does she deserve a book after that attitude she just gave me? Does she even know what an "attitude" is??? She's four!!! I have to keep reminding myself that there is very little in this world that is rational, logical or reasonable when you are four. Maybe I should try to apply that to other groups of people, like slow drivers or under-paid drugstore clerks.